I remember having a 1-2-1 with my boss and feeling proud of how well I prepared for that meeting. I knew I was going in with concrete topics I wanted to discuss and solutions to each for a good conversation and enrichment. To my surprise, they said they appreciate my ideas, but told me to only focus on the short term projects and not the long term ones that could make a significant impact. I left the meeting deflated and questioned if I was in the right role or was I doing the right job. I thought my boss was a bit harsh and I couldn’t understand it. I wanted to react, but instead I simply responded with compliance to his request and left the meeting unfulfilled.
Have you ever felt that way after a meeting? Knowing this can be a challenge for many, I wanted to provide you some insight in how to win over difficult people.
Check your mindset before evolving new skills to manage difficult people.
The first thing we must do is to check in on yourself and your mindset when it comes to who you “perceive” as being difficult. I suggest you think about a particular situation you’ve encountered and these themes about being perceived as difficult:
- It’s a gap between your standard of behavior and theirs
- If you were having a bad day, would you want others to judge you in that moment as the way you are all the time and with everyone?
- Could there be a reason why they behave that way that is embraced culturally? It may simply be not acceptable in the culture you are familiar with
What does it mean to be perceived as difficult?
Let’s also ground ourselves in what it means to be difficult because these are the items that can trigger you to “react” vs. “respond” and control your interaction with that person.
People are perceived as difficult when:
- Micromanaging your work
- Come across short – you interpret them as being condescending
- Publicly humiliate you
- Chastise you for sending an email or reaching out to a person in the organization
- Nit picking about insignificant details in a presentation
So now that we’ve qualified the gap you see in the people and the scenarios for which they show up as difficult, what are some tools you can employ to win over difficult people?
Employ a Framework that assumes the person is good and means well
Starting from a place of assuming the person is just like you and has good intentions. Also know there could be external influences on this person that cause them to behave in a way that could be “survival” in the culture they reside. You can go in with this approach that could improve the outcome of a 1-2-1 with them:
- Gratitude – thank them for their time, guidance, or feedback. Relate it to a recent issue
- Acknowledge them – sometimes these individuals are seeking attention and being “loud” or imparting their views is a way that speaks to their value or higher needs. They may not be getting acknowledged by their peers or those higher in leadership.
- Discuss the Gap between standards or expectations – this could be behavior, culture or ways of working. Be clear to show your view vs. your bosses view and gain consensus on the gap. Ask probing questions about their view on the gap and ways to close them. Again, it could be they don’t have good skills in communicating gap, so it come across as “difficult”
Try this on a colleague before you try this on the person you perceive as difficult. Once you have the confidence, go in strong expecting the best. The good news is you may come to a higher level of understanding about the person and then you no longer see them as difficult. The even better news is if the person continues their behavior, you’ve at least developed a new skill in having a constructive conversation and you responded with control. This skill can be taken to all parts of your career and personal life.
So what happened to me and the person I perceived as difficult? I practiced this framework and they no longer picked apart my work. I was gracious to their needs and keep them informed of the work I was doing. They continued to communicate their support for the work I was doing and kindly provided feedback in a way that was constructive vs. destructive in the past. Who knows, I may have taught the other person new ways to communicate!
Sounds easy? Maybe it is easy, but hard to develop the new skills on your own.? My C-Suite Academy contains content like this and so much more that will help you take control of your career.
For more information about C-Suite Academy (CSA) dedicated to the aspiring C-Suite leader, simply register to get on the waitlist, email me or connect with me for a quick chat. I can’t wait to help you be successful and reach your goals!
For more resources, you can listen to The Drop In CEO Podcast or check out my book The CEO’s Compass will help you get on track in days not months.
Resources
Good Reads
I recently interviewed Patrick on my podcast and starting from a place of building trust in relationships can be the foundational skill you need to manage difficult people and conversations.
Good Music
Touch the Sky – Rise Above (Veigar Margeirsson)
When you are feeling frustrated, an uplifting song that pulls you to a higher level is what this song delivers. I’m feeling overwhelmed and grateful for the work I have now in service to clients and when I feel down, this song and artist lifts me up. I’m strong and I have strong people around me to be successful. I want you to be successful and this is my little gift for you.
Good Advice
“You may not be able to change the situation, but you can make decisions
on how to control the situation with the fullest of confidence.”
–Deb Coviello